had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
