i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
