Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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