I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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