I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
