On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You made out with two different species that night
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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