Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
