i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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