his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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