oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He better not be in your backpack
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
