John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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