Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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