Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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