And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
