A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
