period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
