The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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