She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
