ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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