I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
