Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
