Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
