Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I supernannyed him into submission
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
