I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
