I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
