Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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