I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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