I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
