Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
