maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
