the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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