it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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