Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
