he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
