I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
