There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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