thus making me awesome and them whores
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
