I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
