I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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