All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
40s are totally the cure
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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