i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
