his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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