He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
