...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So many bounce houses so little time
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
