census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
