Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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