I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
