My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
