The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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