My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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