well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
