I just made out with a guy for $7.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
